If You’re Not at the Table, You Might Be on the Menu

I’m taking a quick detour from the CODEA² article series to share another of my “isms” with you: If you’re not at the table, you might be on the menu. I will admit many of my sayings invoke a memorable mental image, but I had particular fun working with AI to make the cover image for this article.

At its simplest interpretation it speaks to staying relevant, or you quickly won’t be. But you can unpack the saying by considering the two sections of it. “Being at the table” has its own set of takeaways, and they stand on their own. You can also consider what “the table” is as an exercise. Perhaps getting on “the menu” links back to whether you are “at the table,” but there should be consideration of what “the menu” is. Let’s jump in…

At the Table

Okay, be honest. When is the last time you looked at your calendar and intentionally categorized and stratified your appointments and meetings? Which ones must you attend, and which ones you really should be at but you could get by with not going? What things can be a great teaching event for a direct report? Or a way to adjust dynamics by you not being there? Note: if you’re a senior leader, and aren’t aware you change the tone and possible outcome by just sitting in the room, you aren’t paying attention. If you are doing things right, the higher up you go the more you need to pay attention to getting out of the way.

There are lots of factors to weigh as a senior leader. But what if you are a newly minted manager or director? Obviously not being there isn’t really a flex. You need to think about it from the other end.

• First, ask your boss what meetings they want you at.
• Then ask if there are meetings you could rep them and take some of their workload.
• Then ask about meetings that you would learn by being in, and your presence wouldn’t be frowned upon (trust their judgment, not a colleague’s on this).

Also do your own analysis; if I’m not invited to Meeting X, or a part of Project Y, will that impair my ability to do my assigned duties? If you develop this list, take it to your supervisor and have them verbally agree or disagree with your reasoning. At the very minimum you’ll have some top-cover if your non-involvement equals negative impact assessment was correct.

If you asked me what is a subtle, but can become powerful, reason for being at the table, it’s being associated with that group, or project. Mere association on a regular basis can start to earn you credibility. Resist the urge to insert your opinion or ideas, no matter how good they are. At least until the owner of the meeting/project gives you permission to participate. One time, when in command of an Army wounded recovery unit, the Secretary of the Army visited and I was lead for the “windshield tour” providing the ride for him and some of his entourage. I can’t tell you how embarrassed I was when my stand-in driver inserted himself into the conversation at one point! Yeah, boldness can backfire sometimes.

“At the Table” or Just in the Room?

What It Looks Like	What’s Actually Happening
Sitting in the room, saying nothing	The chair is occupied; the seat isn’t used
Getting the read-out after the fact	Informed, not consulted. The decision was already shaped.
A boss or peer “speaks for” your function	Represented, not heard. Filtered through someone else’s framing.
Included so excluding you would look bad	On the list for optics. Attendance without influence.
Brought in during early scoping, then dropped	Present when it didn’t matter, cut before it did
A standing “update” slot on someone else’s agenda	You report to the table; you don’t shape it
Asked “any concerns?” after the options are narrowed	Consulted after the framing is already locked
Emailing your input ahead of the meeting	You handed over a position; you weren’t there to defend or adjust it

On the Menu

The immediate costs of missing the table are easy to discern. Some are obvious, like not being a part of decisions that impact you or your team. Or getting tagged to do a task because you weren’t able to defend why it should go to someone else. The subtler ones accumulate. By the time you notice, there’s no single moment to point to, and changing course is difficult. I’ve got a real example of the fallout that can hit if you aren’t present at a meeting you should be. This one had reputational, career trajectory, and monetary degradation as a result.

Coming in to a unit as the new executive officer, my boss, the company commander, asked me to sit for him at his boss’ command and staff meeting. The first week I arrived at the unit. Then the next, and so on for a few more, before the battalion commander started questioning me where my boss was. I ran out of ways to provide cover for my commander. The cycle ended when the battalion commander finally said to me in that forum, “I don’t want to see you at these.” I stopped going, and the BC had a “conversation” with my boss. After that, my commander started attending the meetings himself.

Here are some takeaways about being On the Menu, several that applied in my personal example:

• The table teaches what training can’t. You pick up how senior or other leaders frame problems and negotiate tradeoffs just by being in the room repeatedly. That’s fluency you can’t get secondhand.
• Absence narrows how you’re seen. People associate you with the work they’ve watched you do. Skip enough rooms, and you’re not excluded from bigger opportunities. You just stop being who anyone thinks of.
• Unobserved capability doesn’t count. You can be ready for more, but readiness no one’s seen doesn’t factor into who gets considered.
• The table builds the trust that gets you vouched for. Miss it enough, and you don’t just miss information. You miss becoming the person people back.
• Absence gets filled with assumption, not left blank. When you’re not there to represent yourself, people infer your position, and the inference isn’t always generous.

On the Menu, Revisited

That sentence wasn’t really about me. It was the moment my commander’s absence stopped being invisible.

He’d been on the menu the whole time. He just hadn’t heard it said out loud yet. A surrogate, however well-briefed, isn’t a substitute for presence once someone starts asking why you’re not showing up. Once it was said plainly, he did the only thing that actually fixed it: he showed up himself.

If you’re sending someone else to your table often enough that people start asking where you are, you’re not delegating. You’re on the menu.